RELAX

As 2013 slowly fizzles away, I started to reflect on the year. In January, I read a book titled My One Word by Mike Ashcraft and Rachel Olsen. The purpose of the book is "Choose just one word that represents what you most hope God will do in you, and focus on it for an entire year. This single act will force clarity and concentrate your efforts. As you focus on your word over an extended period of time, you position yourself for God to form your character at a deep, sustainable level. Growth and change will result."

I took on the challenge, I took the book with me on a mission trip to Haiti so I could reflect and decide on MY word for the year. One night as I laid in a worn bunk-bed, adorned with mosquito nets, listening to dogs howling at 3:00 AM, I came to the decision. RELAX. There is some irony to picking the word relax in a third world country. Anyone who has been to Haiti or a country under oppression, poverty, or political turmoil will totally get it. 

 I was at a point that my type-A personality was suffocating me and though nobody said it, I believe it was suffocating those around me, those I love dearly. I couldn't say no. Another committee, sign me up. Work longer hours, I am there. I was terrified of others being displeased with me. Taking on so much, I had this strong drive to control everything. I withheld my desires and needs to please whoever I could. I gave up time with those I love, to keep someone else happy. Come on ladies, I know you know what I am talking about.

God put the word relax in my heart and over the last year embedded it there. Relax didn't give me permission to be lazy, it in fact was the exact opposite.  I had to work harder than ever to turn from my old ways. We all like to slip back to the comfort of what we know. I worked desperately not to do so. I was looking to change my character, which isn't an easy task. Not to mislead anyone, sometimes I flew back into my Type A, control freak nature over the year but to a lesser degree. 

Relax taught me to stop to reflect, to respond accordingly, and step aside when necessary. Laying in the bed in Haiti I let out the prayer, I committed to God to take over. I remember whispering, "Father, teach me to relax. Embed the word in my heart, my mind, and let it flow from me. Test me and teach me. I surrender it to you and I am ready to change my heart, my actions, and my responses." 

 "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." -Psalm 139:23

Word of caution: when you ask God to test you, be ready. It is a crazy ride. 

I selected my scripture verse for the year, "A heart at peace gives life to the body." Proverbs 14:30 Then, I selected my theme song for the year, Surrender by Jeremy Camp

Within hours I was being tested and I hated it. I was trying to get a hold of someone back in the USA because of a flight change, frustration was taking over. When our flight landed in Miami and I spoke with that person, things had changed. I was hurt and angry. Relax.

Through out the year so many things changed and challenged me. Work was probably the roughest year ever, cancer scares, loss, balancing relationships, and so much more. RELAX was always whispering in my ear. There were times I wanted to stop relaxing. I said on more than one occasion, "I take it back. I didn't mean for these tests when I asked God to test me. Redo! Please!" But God took my prayer seriously and knew what I needed, even when I wanted to give up.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." -Matthew 7:7

I asked my three closest friends, who take holding me accountable very seriously, "Do you think I have changed this year with relax?" 

One responded, "I absolutely think you've changed. Your change directly impacted me! I had to make a decision and a plan. Yes, you've changed this year. You do not internalize things and have learned to let things go." 

Me relaxing gave someone else the opportunity to lead. Allowing others to make decisions and plan. It helped others realize their strengths.  It was wonderful and freeing.

Another, "Yes! You've changed! Things that are out of your control you don't worry about as much anymore." 

Relax truly tested me. It is testing me right now as I struggle with a relationship and important decisions. Trying to decide if the right decision is to let go or hold on. To give up or to work through it. Because I have come to realize almost everything is out of my control.

God molding my heart to relax provided me with so much more. It has refined my patience. Given me hope. Taught me to reflect. Allowed me to give up what I think I control. But most importantly it has made me realize my need to turn to God, consistently and constantly.

 Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. -Matthew 11:28

I don't think I could go back to my old self even if I wanted to. Relax has taught me who to turn to and who my peace will flow from, it has taught me who will always remain constant. That no matter what, turn to God first.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

I prayed for my 2014 word. What word can build upon relax? What word is the next brick to lay? What word do I need to continue to create my strong foundation? And it came to me:

I prayed the prayer for god to test, teach, and mold me. And again I am nervous but excited to see what he has to teach me with this next layer.

My scripture verse is:

"God has delivered me from going down to the pit, and I shall live to enjoy the light of life." 

-Job 33:28

And finally my theme song for 2014, Mumford & Sons, "Lover of the Light." It is an amazing song and video with deep meaning.

May God Bless you as 2013 comes to a close and 2014 begins!